Saturday, November 15, 2008

Why straight people should fear gay marriage

There was a Proposition 8 protest here yesterday, which was of course really about right to marry, since it would be really silly to just protest a ballot measure that had already passed last week 3,000 miles away. We don't love parades THAT much. Bad timing, still though - it rained so fucking hard my combat boots are still wet. I blame the Republicans. They probably had a prayer vigil and all the hot air affected the weather patterns. I have to hand it to the Army, though - my socks were amazingly dry. Go Army!

I've decided, though, since it looks like we're slowly but surely getting some rights, to come clean with the rest of you guys. Opponents are terrified of allowing same sex couples to marry, and supporters wonder why the hell the opponents care; how could a couple of people they never met getting hitched possibly affect them? What the hell is the problem? Well, here's the deal. It would be a problem. Yep. Other gay people won't tell you this but Legal Bandit is going to spit the truth here. I'll even describe how.

First, if gay people can marry, all straight marriages will suddenly become null and void. Yep, your fears are well founded, fearmongering gay haters. And the list goes on. You'll be forced to marry gay people to get back at you for forcing us to marry straight people for so long. Get used to it. Oh, and the sanctity of marriage is over. Churches will spontaneously combust, and God will send down inscribed tablets providing that your $10 marriage license is no longer overseen by the heavenly host. And here's the big one - yes, in fact, people from West Virginia and Kentucky are waiting in the wings, and will rapidly be permitted to marry their sisters and mules. In fact, dogs and mules will marry, gaining inheritance rights to each other's spots in the barn. Let's see, what else? Oh, we will be able to recruit, using billboards and You Tube ads. Your teenager, who would have otherwise been straight, will somehow have his/her hormonal and emotional framework altered and will become homosexual. This will be so widespread that everyone will be marrying within their own gender, of course not procreating, and in two generations, you guessed it - all your family lines will be wiped out and America will be entirely populated by Mexicans and Al-Qaeda. In the meantime, the country will be exceptionally well decorated, enjoy lots of snazzy dance clubs, and build a lot of pickup trucks plastered with bumperstickers and heard playing indie folk songs about relationships.

So, the truth is out there. No one else had the guts to tell you, but you can always count on me. Get to it, h8ers, your marriages and country is at stake.


Dawg said...

Love it!

xty said...

you, dear, are hilarious!

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