This weekend my BFF got married. BFF sounds retarded when you're our age but I've known her for 23 years and we've been through tubs of tequila, the 1980's, punker haircuts, punk rock parties, back surgery, shitty relationships, shittier cars, school, car wrecks, poverty, job hunts, dead pets, family problems, schools, graduations and now a wedding together so fuck it, I'll call her what I want.
The wedding was outside, and the day was pretty nice, which also meant the birds and bees were out. The groom had a ladybug crawling all over him which was not nearly as bad as the bee in my bouquet. So I'm standing there in 4 inch heels trying to look serious and there's this fucking bee crawling all over my roses. I sent psychic messages to the bee. "GO AWAY!!" I thought, but the bee was actually not psychic, so it didn't work and he crawled on. So I kept looking at the bee, wondering what I'd do if he stung me. Would I be able to keep my composure? I couldn't blow her wedding screaming "OOO! OOO! He got me!" but bee stings really hurt - would I be able to contain myself? I wasn't sure. Meanwhile, he just kept crawling. I thought I was going to be OK when they went to like the unity candle and he was still there, as this was the end of the ceremony, but then he started flying in my face and around my head. "Damn bee!" I thought, weaving my head around and hoping he got the message. Fortunately, rather than sting me in the eye, which was his perogative, he flew away at the last minute and I was able to regain my composure to so I could pick my way across the wet grass, teetering in my high heels, and swear if my girl and I ever get married we're wearing hiking boots and having a potluck and everybody gets permission beforehand to smack the hell out of any damn bee that fucks with us.
Seriously, I couldn't be happier. The guy isn't a total monkey with a haircut like all her previous choices; he's actually pretty cool and gets extra points for pulling off the words "burp" and "fart" in his proposal ( I witnessed this) so he gets my boot of approval. Here's to you, BFF, may the birds and the bees never sting you or peck out your eyes, and if they do, I'll kill them.
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