Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Asshole evolution

I had been wondering how John McCain got to be the angry old fuck he is until yesterday. Then I realized that angry old fucks come from angry young fucks. It's a simple matter of evolution. Allow me to predict the future of one particular D.A. whose humanity I see shriveling before my eyes by way of illustration:

District Attorney A, who we will for the purposes of this illustration, call "Prick", started off with the potential to be a pretty O.K. guy. He's tall and was probably decent at sports in high school. This enabled him to hang out with the jocks and the seeds of his elitist attitude were thus born. He spent a couple years fucking cheerleaders and then joined a frat where they competed at slamming beers and fucked sorority chicks. Prick's dad wanted his progeny to be special so he could think some long forgotten premature ejaculation made him, by extension, special. Prick wanted to please his dad, at least more than he cared about pleasing the sorority chicks. He went to law school and believed this made him special. It did not. No one convinced him of this fact.

He got a job as an assistant D.A. working for a further developed dick, we'll call him Chubby. Chubby took Prick under his flabby arm and taught him that he wore an invisible white hat that gave him special powers. Prick began to gain weight, and to throw that weight around. Prick was not an exceptionally good lawyer. Secretly, he knew this, and therefore loved his invisible white power hat all the more. It cast a light of correctness on his inelegant arguments.

Now, Chubby couldn't keep employees and so after a couple years, Prick was promoted to be the head of the assistant district attorneys who handled traffic and misdemeanors. Prick swelled with pride.

Soon, a little lawyer got sworn in; we'll call her Bandit. She would go to Prick for help and find Prick was so full of himself that Bandit was frustrated at every turn. Even when Prick's colleagues, like Curly, were willing to help, Prick would storm in and insist he push forward in his own pointless, silly way until Bandit realized that Prick, in fact, had totally lost his head in his own ass and resigned herself to stealing victories when she could get Prick by the short hairs, which wasn't terribly difficult because, as we've said before, Prick had his head up his own ass.

(OK time to transition to future telling here - ready, set, go.) The years will pass and Prick will grow fat and limp, but will have learned that he felt powerful and potent when he swung his imaginary white hat and pointed down at hapless little lawyers, and poor people, and dumb people, and smelly people, and people who didn't have their shit together, and people who got in a lot of shit, and people who tried to help other people out of shit, for they should be more like him and pull themselves up by their bootstraps (though they had no boots) and be smart and act like they'd been raised right, which they hadn't.

Prick will run for political office and people will notice he responds to his opponent's optimism and well crafted plans with creepy smiles, smirks and that oh so delicious pompous righteousness. He will become a role model for little pricks and die, having wasted the chance to do the world some good.

(story is over now. transition to blog - ready, set, go.) OK hope you enjoyed story time and the moral of the story is: don't be a Prick.

1 comment:

Dawg said...

Diggin' story time...