Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sell it to me

'Tis the season to go buy crap. Years ago, I thought about going into marketing but was too stoned so I just sat around dreaming up funny ads, which I thought at the time amused my cats, but am now not so sure.

I still find myself fascinated with how people try to convince others to buy their crap (hot chick eats popcorn = suggestion popcorn breath will get you laid) and also by how people pick their target audience. "He went to Jarred's!" targeted to bridezillas who measure a guy's worth by the size and setting he chooses for a little piece of compressed coal dug out of a mountain by a Sri Lankan with one arm. That's love. Or so the marketers over the past 70 years or so have said.

My favorite thus far is a local shop: "Guns and Scooter sales." I'm not making this up. This, I presume, is aimed at gun totin' drunk drivers - people who have lost their licenses but may still legally defend their trailer or gang by popping a cap in somebody's ass. On second thought, just the trailer dwellers. People in gangs, in my experience, don't really give a fuck about some little license revocation. Besides, what kind of drive by shooting is that? "Putt, putt, BANG! putt, putt, BANG! BANG!" "Where did that come from?" "The dudes on the little scooters." "The scooter gang? Seriously?" After which, the unharmed targets chase down the guys on the scooters, who are fleeing the scene at 35 mph and kick their asses. So, I guess it's for drunk drivers who need to defend their trailers. Or people too poor or lazy to pay their speeding tickets, resulting in a revoked license but apparently enough money to buy a .22 automatic. The question remains why they take so fucking long to pay my bills.

Maybe we should start selling weapons. Here's the marketing idea: "Bazookas and bond reductions! Get your guns and hired guns at your one stop crime shop!" Or something like that. It's a work in progress. In the meantime, I've got to go hand out some business cards and get the bills paid so I can spend it on something marketed just to me: a left handed lesbian lawyer with a bunch of cats, a penchant for old trucks and a stomachache from too much coffee. Any takers?

1 comment:

Recovering Grady Addict said...

It's a Southern Thang, I'm convinced. Here in GA, gun shops, pawn shops, and other second hand resellers ALL sell those damn annoying scooters.

And as far as gangbangers... Um... yeah they DO drive em around the hood here in Atlanta. In the streets. Go-karts too. 4-wheelers too. Grown adults driving kids toys - IN THE STREET!!! Somewhere I am sure there are police reports with "scooter" or "4-wheeler" or "go-kart" listed as the get-away vehicle.

SERIOUSLY!!! No $#!+...