Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Is this over yet?

Gee, thanks for the zero offers of ideas to cheer me up, you lazy fucks. I could have just gone and stabbed somebody, and where would your bandit blog be then? Written in jail, that's where. And the girls there are, so far as I've seen on jail visits, distinctly not hot. It's not like when Helena and Dusty hooked up on 'The L Word', at least not in rural NC where most of the chicks are in there for crack and meth, which has left their teeth looking like hedgeclippers.

But I digress. Now, to the holidays. I have noticed the past few years that holidays are very different when you don't drink. Less people to hang out with, less places to hang out, and you're stuck actually experiencing the whole thing - crazy aunt, gobs of shoppers, piped-in Christmas carols, hungover co-workers, the Salvation Army bell (or was that a drill in my ear the whole time I was shopping?), guilt trips, expectations that one nicely wrap things one did not want to buy in the first damn place, clients with no money to pay because they had to get their brat kid an Xbox to make themselves feel better for being shitty, drunken parents all year, traffic, blow-up santa dolls hanging out of windows and waiters with felt reindeer horns on their heads. No wonder people invented eggnog. It allows even old ladies an escape, and God knows everyone needs one this time of year.

However, happy holidays, and may your buyer's remorse not be too painful. If so, I suggest we all set our credit card statements on fire and create a new holiday which involves people boycotting corporate america, wearing normal clothes, ignoring our families and shutting the hell up for a couple of days. Let me know if you're interested. Unless I get something really cool for Christmas, in which case I suggest you down some eggnog, 'cause you're on your own.

3 comments:

Recovering Grady Addict said...

HERE HERE!!!

ps - loved the "hedgeclippers" part! Priceless.

Dawg said...

Happy Holidays :)

Dawg said...

They have somerteet!
Somerteeth = Some are there, some are not