Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Some Christmas ideas for the poor in wallet or heart

Christmas is different when you're broke, which is the case for a lot of people in today's shitcan economy. I'm lucky enough to be employed. Many people these days are not, and spend the day drinking cheap beer and watching Lifetime movies in hopes of seeing someone whose life is worse. If you'll find it, you'll find it on Lifetime. 10 a.m.: "Hearts on a dove's wing: the triumphant story of a one-legged incest victim dumped in the Alaskan tundra by abusive wolves." Stuff like that.

Yet, people want to give Christmas presents. On the eve of this formerly religious holiday turned gaudy celebration of conspicuous consumption represented by a dangerously obese flying man, I thought I'd help by suggesting some presents that won't cost you any beer money. Here we go.

1. Love. Not the boring love your fellow man kind, though. Go fuck and ugly person who will appreciate it.

2. A paper bag with holes cut in it for the eyes and mouth. This is for your friend who is following the above suggestion.

3. Mice, decapitated birds, moles, voles, maybe a squirrel on a good day. I know these cost no money because my cats drag them in all the time and they are not getting an allowance. At least not from me.

4. Starbucks coffee. Oh, no wait. That costs lots of money. It just shouldn't because they're a fucking blight on America. They should pay us.

5. Stolen things. I recommend doing your Christmas stealing all in one place; the more security guards you encounter, the more likely you are to get caught. If you do get caught, however, it will be expensive. If you're in NC, drop me a line and say you were referred by legal bandit for a 10% discount on your defense, which will be "I was broke and stupid."

6. Crap in your attic you got last year and didn't want. Dust that shit off and pass it on. You should bust out some fresh wrapping paper though, and take off that "to Paul from cousin Doofy" tag. Just because you're broke doesn't excuse being tacky.

7. Give a present to the rest of the world and future generations - fire up a brain cell, haul your fat ass a few feet over and recycle your damn bottles and cans. Try using your grubby fucking paws to carry things out of a store instead of taking a plastic bag that will spend thousands of years in a landfill. Recently I saw this piece of shit leave his giant SUV running while he went into a convenience store, bought 2 sodas in plastic bottles, and let the clerk put them in a plastic bag like he couldn't carry them without a toxic handle. My Christmas present is that he and everyone like him be dragged out and shot.

So, there are a few ideas. Enjoy and happy holidays. Hope you get a job by next year and can come up with some present ideas on your own. If not, see you in court.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

#7. Bullets and guns cost money.

There is a very good reason I don't own a gun. I believe I would use it.

Lisa P.