What chair to choose

I am never surprised at work. This doesn't mean it's boring. It means that, overall, I make my living off of people who just don't get it. Here are a few common characteristics. I'd suggest you check to see if these apply to you, but if they do, you probably won't recognize yourself, because you're too fucking thick headed.

1. You're too fucking thick headed.
2. If you don't like a rule, you think it does not apply to you. Guess what? People in uniforms will have a problem with you. Get with the program. That's the point of rules -to get your dumb ass in line.
3. When other people tell you that you are being a dumb ass, you justify your behavior until they get tired of arguing with you, then convince yourself you convinced them and should move ahead with your retarded ass plan. For the record, you probably should not.
4. Nothing is more important than defending your pride, even your record, employability, or freedom from strip searches. Guess what? That idiot talking shit to you will not give you a job, sign your paycheck or bail you out. Let him talk.
5. You regularly break more than one law at a time, or break two in the same day. Today I read about a public employee caught with some weed at his house. Later the same day he gets a DWI in the company truck. He tells the cops he wasn't impaired because he only smoked a roach. Dude. First, you were at work. Second, you already got busted once today. Did you really have to ensure you spent the night in jail and lost your job? Third, you don't argue with the cops about how little pot you smoked. It's all illegal and you just blew your defense. Go home and flush the weed. You are not using drugs successfully.
6. Distorted self image with respect to the rest of the world. If you look in the mirror and see a cool outlaw, an entreprenuer who just thinks outside the box, a risk taker, a gangsta, if you often say 'people don't understand', 'I had to' or 'it will be ok, and if it's not, I'll deal with it then', chances are that you are, on some level, an idiot who is begging for an ass kicking. Haven't gotten one yet? Ask yourself if luck, like hope, springs eternal. No, wait - ask some homeless guy or somebody in an orange jumpsuit with 'inmate' stamped on the back. That won't happen to you? Refer back to #2. Back yet? You are a dumb ass. Now refer back to #3.

These are my people, and I love them, and appreciate that they pay my mortgage. Well, them and my girlfriend, who makes a lot more money than me. And because I know them, they do not surprise me. However, I am acutely aware of how little space there is between our chairs at the defense table. You have to be ballsy, innovative, flexible and headstrong to be a decent defense attorney. But being able to draw those fine lines put me in a suit on the left instead of handcuffs on the right.

The moral of the story is - It is, in fact, the the subtle differences that make a life.

Sing, Sing a song about flying cars

I read today they finally came up with a flying car. Yay! Now we can have air traffic jams like in the Jetsons. Fortunately, it's about $200,000, so not too many speeding, tailgating idiots will be buying one, because the problem with a flying car is that when another flying car cuts you off, the wreck means you stop flying. Talk about whiplash from a fender bender! The bottom of the car will be jammed right up your ass and actually into your neck. Takes a hell of a chiropractor to fix that shit.

Of course, I want one. And of course, that isn't going to happen. I can't even afford to fix the cracked windshield on my 10 year old Nissan. Oh, wait, it isn't my Nissan, it's my girlfriend's old car. And that's with my student loans on deferment. My friend at the public defender's office makes more money than me. Now that shit is sad; NC has the lowest paid court officials in the country. And she gets benefits and all holidays off and can pay her student loans and bills at the same time. This gives rise to quite a few questions. Will this job translate into raises that allow me to pay the bills and eventually buy a used Honda, will I regret taking a job based on hope, will I snap one day when another atrocious and unnecessary hiring decision is dumped into the front office over ignored objections, will I make coffee, burn the toast, remember toast gives me gas, run out of gas, go running, run away, or sing, sing a song? Tune in next week: same broke-ass time, same broke-ass channel. Only time will tell.

Resolutions for the faint of obedience

I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, since I figure if I'm too lazy, selfish or insolent to do something different on any other day, why should getting a new calendar make a difference? However, I recognize the value of marking one's choices - such as getting married, buying a midlife crisis camaro or setting the now ex's clothes on fire, thereby making the breakup official. However, as I am a counselor at law, I've decided to hand out some potential resolutions for the faint of obedience: i.e., my clients, the theives and crackheads of the world. My suggestion to you is to resolve to:

1. To break only one law at a time. If you are drunk, don't run red lights or have your buddy stick their ass out the window. If you have no license, don't drive drunk. If you have 3 pounds of coke in the trunk, don't speed, or rob a liquor store.

2. To pay your fucking lawyer. Guess what? Until you've paid, you have no lawyer and are on your own when the D.A. gets sick of giving you continuances. Know how you thought you shouldn't go in on that robbery without a lawyer? You're going to, and I'm going to be in the back drinking coffee and probably not even wishing you luck. What, am I your guardian angel?

3. To not smack your girlfriend. If your girlfriend is a bitch, leave her. Smacking her up will not make her less of a bitch. In fact, she will, surprise surprise, probably just be pissed at you and get your stupid ass arrested. In a nutshell, "she deserved it" is not a defense.

4. To not come to court drunk. Seriously, it doesn't help.

5. To not come to court high, particularly on a drug charge. People can tell you are high. You are fooling no one. Your red, slanty little eyes and inability to dig your keys out at the security station will not be chalked up to allergies.

6. To pull your damn pants up. The judge will not be impressed by your fine choice in underwear.

7. To realize I am your advocate, not a miracle worker. See those other 276 people in the courtroom? They want to get out of here too. Sit down and shut up. If you didn't want to spend the day in court, you shouldn't have been buying meth in a stolen car.

8. To not smash windshields. Smashing someone's windshield only makes one point: you are an asshole with anger issues who needs to grow the fuck up. Find another solution.

9. To run your story by a couple people before you bring it to court. If they laugh, it is not a good defense.

10. To keep your car on the road: not to veer off into a ditch, a japanese maple, a convenience store, or someone's living room. Ass on the asphalt, it will save you a lot of money in the long run.

Good luck to you and happy new year. May your crimes be smart, your cops be lazy and your alibis strong.

Spring loaded! Look out!

I work for a guy who is wound so tight I fully expect springs to start snapping and flying out of his body in all directions any day now, so sometimes I keep my distance, you know, just in case. I've got insurance but I also like having two eyes. They probably do eye transplants if yours get poked out by flying springs but I don't know for sure. Besides, I might get a set of big, googly eyes - the kind that makes people think "wow, look at those big, googly eyes! I'm glad I don't have bulging buglike googly eyes like that. I wonder if he's inbred?" or things like that. Mine are nothing really special, I don't think, but are not googly and are a reasonably nice size and color, so I want to keep them, and besides, having your eyes poked out probably hurts a lot.

I also might get crackhead eyes, which are incapable of seeing the next sensible thing to do pretty much ever. Here's a tip, in case you didn't know: crackheads are not reliable people. Today boss bandit wanted me to sit second chair on a jury trial. The case involved one crackhead hitting another in the head with a baseball bat. We were going to argue that it was self defense. Our star witness has been homeless since she got out of jail last. It took quite a bit of effort to find her. Unfortunately, the guy who got smacked in the head didn't show up and couldn't be found. The rumor is he's on the run after a local drug sweep in order to stay out of jail. He has no phone and I believe, no formal address. People acted surprised. Really? He's a no phone having, basically homeless crackhead, and the type of guy people hit with bats. How surprised can you be? Guys like that don't scrub up and appear on time in court to describe how a fight broke out over who got to sleep with the chick they passed around and,how, well, people were really cranky because the drugs had run out and no one was going to have any money until somebody stole some. The prosecutor got a continuance. I am not sure how much good it will do her, but hey, if it makes her happy, that's great. All things considered though, I still say she looks like she needs to get fucked silly and that would make her happier than a crackhead continuance, but who am I to judge? I'm just saying she looks like she has an ass of ice and that can't be comfortable. I'm just saying. I'd still do it if I didn't have a girlfriend, though. She's a rather cute uptight ice queen. Again, just sayin'. In the meantime, I gotta go unwind and fashion some sort of spring protector sunglasses for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long day.