Inside the mind

I have a nasty trial coming up. I've done lots of trials down in district court, but this is my first jury trial, and true to my pattern of jumping right the hell into anything I do, the guy is facing decades in prison, the prosecutor is known for being underhanded, slimy and sneaky and the judge is notorious for being completely unfair and biased toward the prosecution, which he gets away with because people never have the money to appeal. I understand that my feelings and thoughts right now are pretty normal. So, I thought I'd share with you what's going through your lawyer's head the week before a big jury trial.

"Oh, crap! Well, I guess that bitch is showing up. Maybe she'll smoke too much crack and not make it. No, I won't get that lucky. Hell, my guy won't get that lucky; if he were lucky he wouldn't be here. Ok, Ok, I got this. No I don't. What the hell? We should have taken that plea. No, dammit, he didn't do this. And he wants a trial. What if we lose? I can't think that way. So, what kind of underhanded shit is Asshole D.A. going to pull? I just need to be ready for it. Surely the jury will see he's just being a dick. What if the jury is full of dicks? You never know about people and it's such a crap shoot. That's OK. I got this. I got this. What have I gotten myself into? Too late, got to get my game on here. Shit shit suddenly I can't remember a single rule of evidence. OK, I'm going to list all the hearsay exceptions. . . .this is a waste of time. I got to get ready. Hey, look! One of their cops got fired and moved to Florida! Oh, hell, wait - this is the one who shows that chick was telling conflicting stories. Wow, my paralegal's brother had some good ideas. Shit, he came up with things I missed and he's not even a lawyer! I am so going to tank this. No, I'm going to win it because I'm talking to people and getting ideas. It's going to be OK. Yeah. Fuck them. We got this. That cracked out 'ho isn't beleivable and the jury will certainly see that. She ain't shit. Fuck them. The cops didn't even know her stories conficted. Well, my guy's story isn't that believable, either. Just focus on her, just focus on her . . . "


and that's a day in the life. Why did I go to law school again?

Spring loaded! Look out!

I work for a guy who is wound so tight I fully expect springs to start snapping and flying out of his body in all directions any day now, so sometimes I keep my distance, you know, just in case. I've got insurance but I also like having two eyes. They probably do eye transplants if yours get poked out by flying springs but I don't know for sure. Besides, I might get a set of big, googly eyes - the kind that makes people think "wow, look at those big, googly eyes! I'm glad I don't have bulging buglike googly eyes like that. I wonder if he's inbred?" or things like that. Mine are nothing really special, I don't think, but are not googly and are a reasonably nice size and color, so I want to keep them, and besides, having your eyes poked out probably hurts a lot.

I also might get crackhead eyes, which are incapable of seeing the next sensible thing to do pretty much ever. Here's a tip, in case you didn't know: crackheads are not reliable people. Today boss bandit wanted me to sit second chair on a jury trial. The case involved one crackhead hitting another in the head with a baseball bat. We were going to argue that it was self defense. Our star witness has been homeless since she got out of jail last. It took quite a bit of effort to find her. Unfortunately, the guy who got smacked in the head didn't show up and couldn't be found. The rumor is he's on the run after a local drug sweep in order to stay out of jail. He has no phone and I believe, no formal address. People acted surprised. Really? He's a no phone having, basically homeless crackhead, and the type of guy people hit with bats. How surprised can you be? Guys like that don't scrub up and appear on time in court to describe how a fight broke out over who got to sleep with the chick they passed around and,how, well, people were really cranky because the drugs had run out and no one was going to have any money until somebody stole some. The prosecutor got a continuance. I am not sure how much good it will do her, but hey, if it makes her happy, that's great. All things considered though, I still say she looks like she needs to get fucked silly and that would make her happier than a crackhead continuance, but who am I to judge? I'm just saying she looks like she has an ass of ice and that can't be comfortable. I'm just saying. I'd still do it if I didn't have a girlfriend, though. She's a rather cute uptight ice queen. Again, just sayin'. In the meantime, I gotta go unwind and fashion some sort of spring protector sunglasses for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long day.