Is this over yet?

Gee, thanks for the zero offers of ideas to cheer me up, you lazy fucks. I could have just gone and stabbed somebody, and where would your bandit blog be then? Written in jail, that's where. And the girls there are, so far as I've seen on jail visits, distinctly not hot. It's not like when Helena and Dusty hooked up on 'The L Word', at least not in rural NC where most of the chicks are in there for crack and meth, which has left their teeth looking like hedgeclippers.

But I digress. Now, to the holidays. I have noticed the past few years that holidays are very different when you don't drink. Less people to hang out with, less places to hang out, and you're stuck actually experiencing the whole thing - crazy aunt, gobs of shoppers, piped-in Christmas carols, hungover co-workers, the Salvation Army bell (or was that a drill in my ear the whole time I was shopping?), guilt trips, expectations that one nicely wrap things one did not want to buy in the first damn place, clients with no money to pay because they had to get their brat kid an Xbox to make themselves feel better for being shitty, drunken parents all year, traffic, blow-up santa dolls hanging out of windows and waiters with felt reindeer horns on their heads. No wonder people invented eggnog. It allows even old ladies an escape, and God knows everyone needs one this time of year.

However, happy holidays, and may your buyer's remorse not be too painful. If so, I suggest we all set our credit card statements on fire and create a new holiday which involves people boycotting corporate america, wearing normal clothes, ignoring our families and shutting the hell up for a couple of days. Let me know if you're interested. Unless I get something really cool for Christmas, in which case I suggest you down some eggnog, 'cause you're on your own.

Cheer me up, dammit.

The end of the year, in reality, means nothing. People made up calendars to keep up with themselves and each other and to explain why grandma is so much more wrinkly than the baby. On January first we'll all be the same people dealing with the same shit washing the same dishes and changing the same baby and grandma diapers. Calendars mean nothing.

Yet, at the end of every year it seems like everybody's shit gets stirred up and we feel weird. I've been pretty depressed lately. Of course, the dead fish didn't help, or crap at work, or realizing suddenly that Christmas is next week and I just don't wanna. People around me are cranky. On the bright side, there's this D.A. with awesome legs who wears a skirt almost every day. Yeah.

This morning I started a list of cheer me up things. This is as far as I got.

1. D.A.'s legs. Both of them. In high heels. Mmmm.

2. Christmas will be over soon. No more stupid music in every store I go into because I need grapes and deodorant. People will stop wearing Christmas sweaters, which are an abomination and should all be burned. I will not be tempted to strangle some guy in a stupid Santa tie for 12 more months. Overall, good.

3. If I break down and stab somebody, I know several really good defense attorneys and all the local judges. I just need to stab someone in this county.

4. There's always chocolate.

5. Butt stick is only in the office for another week. (If you're confused, see post "butt stick.")I am looking forward to no longer having to deal with butt stick, who could probably benefit from a good ass kicking. Again, I do know some defense attorneys.

6. L word starts back up next month, even though retarded ass Showtime is taking it off the air and ripping everyone off with a 6 week season. Still, though. It's the L word.

7. I never have to take the bar again. Thank God, because I'd stab myself.

8. I'm running out of ideas. That's sad, isn't it?

Help me out here. Mail your happy thoughts on a postcard taped to the hood of a new BMW to: Bah humbug, 110 S. Dammit Street, Gimme-leggs NC. Don't use cheap tape and fuck up my paint, either. thanks.