Monday, March 2, 2009

Queer advice for the straight guy

I feel bad for straight guys. Recently I found myself freezing outside at a funeral and a guy I know offered me his jacket, which of course I took because I was freezing my ass off. Later we got into a conversation about how confusing it is to be a guy these days - open the door, or not? Offer to help carry stuff, or not? Guys are already operating at a deficit where women are concerned and I guess changing up the rules is pretty hard on them. It's not like they adjust easily anyway. Hey,maybe I'll adopt one! He can mow my yard and I'll call him George.

I do have a couple of long standing straight male friends who do pretty well. Otherwise, based on my experience wanting to strangle men and listening to straight women bitch, it appears that most guys desperately need a lesbian lesson. They storm around and have no idea what they're stomping on. Therefore, in thanks for the jacket at the funeral, I'm here offering a few basic lessons in girl 101 for you husbands, boyfriends, employers, employees, family members and general idiots. I promise it will not shrink your weenie to stop pretending you know everything for a minute.

Lesson one: You do not know everything. That's OK. STOP IT. That know all shit is really, really annoying.

Two: In a relationship, winning is almost always really losing. Next time you are pushing a point, ask yourself this - would you rather be right, or happy? Then shut the hell up. We aren't like guys; we don't argue the point then get over it like a soccer match. We tell you how we feel and if you keep pushing, you may get your way, but it will be very, very expensive. I'm not saying bend over. I'm saying listen and quit trying to shove things down her throat she's already spit out.

Three: What women want most is not money, power, security or your dick. That's what you want. Security is on the list, but it doesn't mean what you think. What women want most is to be listened to. Really listened to - not that shit where you get half drunk or jacked up on coffee, ask a question, listen for what you want to hear or evidence to support your argument for some retarded shit later, interrupt, take what you heard out of context then use it to your own advantage. That's not listening. It's creating fantasies of stabbing you. Try this: drink less beer and coffee. Be ready to be surprised and give up the notion you have to win anything. Ask a question about something she's interested in. Don't interrupt or get in your head strategizing. Look at her face, not her boobs. Think about what she said. Ask a related question. You will learn a lot this way and are far less likely to be stabbed.

Four: You can't even make all the rules with a lawnmower engine. What makes you think you get to make the rules with people? Get off your throne. You are not king. You do not get to do what the hell you want and expect everyone else to deal with it. "I yam what I yam" didn't even fly for a cartoon character. And you definitely can't expect to get away with whatever you want,complain about what another person does and expect them to give a fuck about how you feel. Play fucking fair. You are not made of rock - I mean steel - oh wait, I can't think of a single thing that isn't capable of change! Now grow the hell up and start relating if you want a relationship.

Five: Get some trimmers. Seriously. That nose and ear hair is NOT cute and yes, women notice. Clip your nails. Get some breath strips, especially if you smoke. Do some situps. That gut hanging over your belt? I don't know a ton of straight chicks, but none of them find it sexy.

Six: Security doesn't mean riding in on a white horse or paying for stuff. It means being there. See all those poor guys/girls with women totally in love with them? Yeah. Money and help are great, and financial stability is really important to some of us who do not want to pay your bills. But, they are not, ultimately, what women need. We need to know our partners will stick by us when the shit hits the fan; that they can be faithful, care enough about us to listen, will listen, can listen, (real listening, not the grab something and use it later like we're on fucking trial "listening"), believe in us, support us, care about our kids and pets, care about our welfare, will think to offer a jacket in the cold or pick up soup when we have a cold. That's security.

Of course, I generalize, and some women think all they want is another hit of crack or money enough to not depend on some neanderthal who treats women like they can be bought. But maybe this will help some dude who really is trying. I'm sure there are a few out there somewhere, loaning their jackets in the cold, and trying really hard to pay attention. Good luck guys, because this is definitely not a man's world.


Anne O'Nymous said...

If I ever date again, I'm sending him to you for vetting (not the "fixing" kind, but the pre-nomination "does the person oppose sex ed AND choice AND have a pregnant teen at home" kind of vetting) between our third and fourth date.

Some other items I'd like you to address, based on someone's personal experience, but I'll be damned if I know whose: how to write e-mail during the early dating period, how to pay a physical compliment (aloud or in e-mail) without sending your date running to look up your name on the sex offender registry or frantically attempt to remove all of her skin with a wire brush and bleach, how to order food if you are unfamiliar with the cuisine (as in, how to determine beforehand that lo mein means noodles instead of waiting until after the meal to divulge the information that you don't like noodles), how to tell what gender(s) you are most looking to a date---before dating anyone new, first date table manners, and why obscure jokes do not necessarily indicate cognitive superiority. That should be a good start.

Of course, the one I have trouble with, which you identified beautifully for for me: "Just because he's sad and/or angry and polysyllabic and misunderstood, that does not mean he is creative or a deep thinker. It could just be seratonin troubles." I read an article once about how many straight women love Humphrey Bogarat because he registers as being clinically depressed, and they want to take care of him. I found that amusing right up until I looked at my dating history.

Sweet Jesus....

vixen kitten said...

#6. *sigh* Why can't they get on board with #6.

Great list. Seriously.